Birds lined up, silhouetted against a dark, rust-coloured, overcast sky.

My idiot brain

For me, if I am sick for too long — the type that keeps you awake at night — I get “sick brain”, aka “cold brain”. Or, as I called it today, “idiot brain”. Yeah, I’ve already mentioned that I’m fighting off a cold. A collague today asked, “Oh, is that the ‘choking cough’?” He had been through this through the holiday, apparently, and was wincing in the other office in sympathy for me. He knows exactly what I’m going through.

So, today, my boss asked me to do something. I immediately hopped on it and a short time later, I told her it was done and gave it to her. A little while later, she redid the work — because apparently, I completely misunderstood what she was asking of me. Now, this doesn’t happen very often. We joke about “sharing a brain”. But my half is on medical leave right now, I guess, and I’ve got a bad temp working up there in my thought-cage, which caused me to completely mess up.

Now, I must have apologized three times and she actually laughed and said she could still use what I had done, for another purpose. So not all was lost.

But there I was, sitting in my office, feeling like I had completely failed her.

And the panic started.

Now, it was short-lived. I managed to “logic my way” out of it before I started to hyperventilate. And please don’t think that every time I goof up that I do this… although it probably happens more times than I care to admit. And there is no history of me facing any nasty ramifications for screwing up. Our work culture actually embraces making mistakes — without mistakes, how do we learn? And my boss is all kinds of awesome. And a friend. And really, this was NOT a big deal. If I told you the full details, you’d laugh about it. I laughed about it once I shorted out my brain about it.

But this is anxiety. There is no logic to it, and it loooooooves to make mountains out of molehills. And there’s nothing like feeling like the crows are looking to divebomb you from on high after you messed up a bit to make you hide in your office for a while.

And of course, everything’s worse right now because I don’t feel well. Things are always ten times worse when you’re sick, right? Did I mention I’m getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night due to coughing? With NyQuil? Yeaaah. I’ve already had one breakdown this week about how freaking exhausted I am.

And SORE. My entire core midsection feels like a pro boxer went at it for a few rounds. ALL the way around.

I feel physically beaten up, to be truthful. No wonder my emotions and logical brain are at odds. Between that and the lack of sleep, oi. It’s a wonder I haven’t had a panic attack every few hours!

I’m just hoping I can get through till the weekend without my idiot brain doing anything else stupid and triggering another potential or near meltdown over nothing at all. Oi.

But it’s like I said to my doctor on Friday: I can’t focus on my mental health and my physical health at the same time. I don’t have that kind of attention span. 😉 So, this is me talking to you, meatsack: KICK THIS COLD TO THE CURB, DAMMIT. You’re messing things up with my grey matter! Ahem.

Meanwhile, what’s this I see? Predator is starting on TV right now? Yes please! (Oooh, shiny!)


4 thoughts on “My idiot brain”

  1. I hear you on the brain front — I have hardcore Chemo Brain, where I forget what I’m doing in the middle of doing it. It kind of sucks, but we need to stick together when we can’t brain and have a case of the dumb.


    1. Yes, that’s it exactly! When we’re sick, whether it be with a cold, the flu, chronic pain or sick from treatments, at least half of our mental capacity is being directed to managing that sickness/pain. _At least_ half. Add onto that any other issues, and boom, it’s Distraction City.

      But I agree about sticking together when we can’t brain and have a case of the dumb. 😉 Totally. *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

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