Caution: Approach at own risk

It’s been almost a month and a half since my last post. Life has been busy, and I haven’t been keeping up on this part of my life. So, I’m back.

Honestly, the last week or so, my anxiety has skyrocketed. Right through the roof, in fact. This seems to happen leading up to my end-of-March birthday. I know why.

It’s the nightmares. 

Yup. Nightmares start to become more frequent in number revolving around one central theme. The source of my PTSD and related issues. I’ve had 3-4 this week alone. It will likely get worse as my bday comes closer and closer.

But, despite that, I’m working hard to keep my head afloat. There are other things going on, but this is the biggest one. The fear that someone I don’t want contact with will try to contact me. Last year was the first year they didn’t, because, well, they couldn’t. Not easily, anyway.

I had cancelled my land line, changed my cell number, and changed my email, making it pretty damned hard for them to casually attempt contact again. It was radio silence last year. I figure it will be the same this year too, but my anxiety hasn’t caught up to this just yet. It will take time.

So, 3-4 nightmares and two major panic attacks have lead to me focusing on a bit of self-care this week/weekend… in hopes that next week I will feel a bit more renewed. I’m focusing on the things that make me happy: knitting, blogging, socializing in small doses, relaxing at home (my sanctuary), etc.

I am thankful that I have a loving Tribe surrounding me, including family members, friends and even colleague-friends who understand and who look out for me.  So I am trying to focus on the positives as well, and gratitudes.

Bullet journalling has helped a lot in this arena. I’ve started tracking my physical and mental states, sleeping habits, some dietary habits, and the weather, in hopes of finding patterns, in order to make changes that will benefit me and maybe improve things for me. It also gives me somewhere to jot down summaries of my day, gratitudes of the day, nice things that have happened to me, etc., so that I have something positive to look back at when I’m feeling low.

I have realized that I am very much a work in progress.

Approach at own risk. 😉


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